No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
