The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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