I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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