watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize