The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
