Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
