How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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