Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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