Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
