you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
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Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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