I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Even my vagina gasped.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
