my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
