for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
