Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
