I am full of burrito and curiosity
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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