Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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