i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize