Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
