Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Randomize
