We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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