Midget sex pt 2 tonight
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
