I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
