I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
