woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
