after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Help me help you realize you are a moron
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Randomize
