My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
