you traded sex for a burrito?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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