I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
