I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
