there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
then he tried to convert me to islam
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
