Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
