God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
