I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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