I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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