He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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