dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
