Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
