This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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