the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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