Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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