the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
