I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
