Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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