you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
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My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
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I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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