Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
