When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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