Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
