The maid of honor just puked.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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