Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just invented taco cereal.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
