Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
