I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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