i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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