happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
