I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
