Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm getting married
To pizza
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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