I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
