When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
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