I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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